To you.

Music: (none)

Mood: *eeeuw...*

In my glass: green tea.  Craving hot toddy... how about making “sake-nog” later?

Wish I could....  

Wish I could do something for you.  

To take away your sorrow, to ease your pain..., to make you smile, to brighten your day.  

Just as you do to me.

Wish I could do more for you.

I feel useless.

Or... I’d, perhaps, better not do anything. 

Maybe so... that I could do more for you by doing nothing, by leaving you alone.

...I feel worthless.

I want you to smile, be happy.

Thinking of you.

Random... again.

Music: none.  I hear only the zooming noise of the fridge.

Mood: ---

In my glass: mint tea

*Beh*... down with a nasty flu.  I must be careful that Mom won’t get it from me :(

----------------

Been thinking.

When a loved one is not there any more, you are left with a hole in your heart.  Nobody or nothing can fill that deep hole.  If it can be filled, it is to be filled by you.  You do that yourself.  You are the one who can fill that empty hole.. but with what? Memories of the loved one?  Thoughts?  Longing for her/him/it?  Because...that hole... that is where (s)he/it once was.

...Time will tell... 

Or... it is also like... (s)he/it takes, when leaving, a piece of the puzzle.  Her/his/its piece.  You might, then, have to create a new piece to fill the puzzle - even though it won’t really fits there.  Or... just  leave the puzzle incomplete, perhaps?  That’s an option, too.  You can always make a whole new puzzle.

----------------

Ah, ...there was a song, by the way.

Yep, yep... “there’s a hole in my heart, that can only be filled by you~~~”

This hole in my heart.... But that’s a different story :P

There's a hole in my heart

That can only be filled by you

And this hole in my heart

Can't be filled with the things I do

Hole hearted

Hole hearted

(from “Hole Hearted” written by N. Bettencourt/G. Cherone)

----------------

It feels like I’m holding my breath under the water.

---------------

Beeeeehhh.... feeling baaaaaaahhd..... :(

Hot toddy would help me to get rid of this flu... or just to get through the night.  Ugh, but there's no toddy :(  I’ll have another mug of tea then.

Think I’m going to bed soon.....  

--------------

The fridge is still zooming...

Guilty

Music: Playlist “P3”, right now playing “Querido Amigo”/Jesse Cook

Mood: ...er.....  ......

In my glass: green tea.  Cabernet Shiraz is about to be poured :)

Wondering... what I might have done wrong.  This time I have no clue.  No use of wondering right now.

-----------

Having been in hospital for about 6 weeks, Mom’s coming home Friday.  That’s such good news and she’s happy :)  

Hm...  we’d better (try our best to) avoid another “cold war” :s

-----------

Walked a lot today.

It was a cold but very nice day - clear blue sky and lots of sunshine.  

Strange that I haven’t taken any pics.

-----------

Kind of homesick.  ...But to where?

“Home is where the heart is”....

All I can “imagine” now is the empty house.

-----------

A. asked the other day about my plans.  

I have plans... still vague plans but I do.   And I have wishes. 

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way”.

...Really?

------------

Ordered new glasses.  I used to wear glasses a long long time ago.  I remember the colours were so different with them on, so clear and vivid. 

-----------

Guilty. I’m guilty as charged.

-----------

Guilty 

(Billie Holiday)

Is it a sin, is it a crime
Loving you dear like I do
If it's a crime then I'm guilty
Guilty of loving you
Maybe I'm wrong dreaming of you
Dreaming the lonely night through
If it's a crime then I'm guilty
Guilty of dreaming of you

What can I do?
What can I say?
After I've taken the blame
You say you're through
You'll go your way
But I'll always feel just the same
Maybe I'm right maybe I'm wrong
Loving you dear like I do
If it's a crime then I'm guilty
Guilty of loving you

What can I do?
What can I say?
After I've taken the blame
You say you're through
You'll go your way
But I'll always feel just the same
Maybe I'm right maybe I'm wrong
Loving you dear like I do
If it's a crime then I'm guilty
Guilty of loving you

-----------

lyrics by Gus Kahn

music by Harry Akst & Richard A. Whiting

----------

Tune now playing: “Don’t Wait” (from “After Midnight”) by J.J. Cale

(More) random notes

Music: Playlist "L.", right now playing “I Don’t Wanna Be With Nobody But You” by Stevie Salas

Mood: crawling (upwards)

In my glass: “vino tinto”

Rrrrrrright... today’s lesson: pay a few euros more for better wine :s

In NL, one would get much better wine for the same price as this Spanish red :(

But, yes... stupid me.  I should know... should have known that by now....  

-----------

Ugh!  The super strong Yen is really killing!  ...Ugh!

-----------

“Where are you?

I love you

Where are you?

I love you

Where are you to keep me warm?”

..........

(from “Black Diamond”/The Bee Gees)

----------

Brrrrrr..... it’s cold.  It’s cold outside, it’s freezing (=below zero!!).  And it’s cold INSIDE the house, too!  No, it’s not freezing (thank god!) but it’s so cold that I would need a pair of gloves!  I have cold hands and cold feet.  Brrrrr.....

----------

Bought finally a wine glass.  :)

----------

Mom was very upset.  It was about something the doc had said.  “It’s not such a big deal, nothing to worry or get upset about,” I said to her.  But it’s true, it was not very considerate of the doc to say that to her.  Grrrrrr.....

----------

“...And maybe you and I could speak

And maybe we could start to see

If only this wasn’t just a dream...”

.......

(From “Maybe”/Jesse Cook)

----------

Hm.... It must be my “sunshine” index.  

I was in a better mood yesterday... or the day before now.  

And, those words had made me smile.

----------

“You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away”

........

(From “You Are My Sunshine”/Jimmie Davis)

----------

“I never let nobody close to me, close enough to let me down

Your sweet eyes keep teasing me

How can I resist 

I know that it’s gonna catch up to me when we kiss”

.......

(From “Catch Up To Me”/Richie Kotzen)

----------

...tired & sleepy....

----------

Music now playing: “Serious” by Richard Hawley

Random notes

Music: Playlist “Top rated”, right now playing “Hummingbird” by Leon Russell

Mood: negative

In my glass: Merlot

---------

One war has ended.  Who won?  Nobody.  At least, that’s what I think.  Oh well, it was not my war anyway.

I have my own war - if I should call it a war - but it has not started yet.  Erm... well, okay, it depends how I look at it.  In a way, it’s been going on for more than 10 years already and it has to end some day... hopefully soon.

Anyway, I’m a cat person.  I don’t like wars or conflicts... or any trouble at all.

---------

Mrs. M. came along last night, and said: “Girl, you should not be home alone.  It’s not good for you.  You should have fun!”

A lovely lady, this Mrs. M.  :)

---------

A friend said to me many years ago: “You’d better not wait too long.  Before you know it, you’re 80.”  

I said to her: “I’m not waiting.  It just does not happen.”

Now, something like 9 years later, it’s still not happening, so it seems.  I mean, it did.  It has happened... but...  no.  It takes two to tango (or rumba... or whatever...) after all. 

Hm... before long I’m 80.  How nice... (not)!

:s 

---------

Auntie came over and stayed the night again.  She likes my cooking, btw :)

We talked about lots of things again... like... 

I said: “I wonder if my mom has ever been in love so so so very passionately and devotedly... like losing herself in love with somebody.  I wonder if she knows that feeling...”

Auntie said: “hm...  I don’t remember she ever was.  I wonder, too.”

--------

Been to a karaoke bar a couple of times now.

“Sing as if nobody’s listening.”

Yep, that’s the spirit!  You are the star!!  I am the star!!!!!

And, you just don’t mind the others singing (out of tune).  

Yep, that’s the spirit.

--------

It feels like.... I lost my way.

--------

Today... I’m trying to think positive... without success. 

Asking myself if I’m happy, if I’m feeling good.  

It depends how I look at it, yes... it’s all how you look at it, how you see it.

I’m... fine.  

--------

I bought a notebook for Mom.

“Write about anything that came to your mind, anything you want, - just a few lines, a few words.. a word.”

Yesterday I saw she had written a couple pages full.  She is not writing a real story.  She’s taking only short notes but it’s alright.  

Ah... right, I’m carrying a small notebook with me, I just remembered.  That pink notebook!  I think I’m going to take notes, too... Haven’t done that since.. since.. a few months.  

--------

...Ooops...  I’ve still got some work to do :(

--------

Music now playing: “Play That Funky Music” by Thunder

...

Music: Playlist “P3”, now playing “Bleeding Love” by The Baseballs

Mood: calm

In my glass: “Kirin”

...*sigh*

That’s me.

It’s not true if I say I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.  I do know...

Or... it’s me.  I am wrong. This whole “me and myself” is wrong.

..Yes, I remember... I was, as a kid, different, living in my own world.  I guess I still am.  

Auntie came over the other night.  We talked the whole night - till 7 in the morning.  She had some stories to tell.  She cried... cried a lot.  I hugged her and said to her that she could cry as much as she wanted.  She did.

And me...  

Dunno.

-----------

Music now playing: “Heaven, Hell or Houston” by ZZ Top...(”Hello darlin’....”)

Why not?

Music : Playlist “Top 25”, now playing “Surrender 2 Love” by OL

Mood: mmmm....mellow

In my glass: Merlot (in 15 minutes or so)

...So... the guy at the end of the counter seems to know some of the customers already but as far as I understand, he is a kind of newbie (oh yes, me, too).  Eventually we all - 5 people at the counter - are in a brisk conversation.  Hm, excuse me but some jokes are hard for me to follow :s

As the guy next to me leaves, that newbie guy takes the stool and asks my friend if we belong to each other.  My friend nods and tells the newbie that I’m his wife.  “Hahahah!”.  Then he whispers to me, “if you mind that, just tell him you are not”.  

Well, why should I bother??

Then the newbie guy asks me if he can buy me a beer.  

I say, “why not?” and smile :)

Yep... I always have those “mothballs” around me, after all, to keep moths away ;)

....Why should I?

....Why not?

---------

Mom is very nervous and worried about this coming Monday.  I keep telling her everything’s going to be fine.  Keep telling her not to worry; 

“Worrying about something you don’t know yet is just waste of energy”.  

“Do what you believe, follow your heart, go for it!”

...Hey, look who’s talking to whom?

----------

Reading that status of H. on FB again - “risks must be taken”. 

Besides, what risks?  I am a clown already :s

Oh, and-er... “Dance as if..., sing as if..., love as if..., live as if...”

----------

Merlot...  it’s been a while.  Cheers to me! 

Ha!

:)

---------

Music: Playlist P3, now playing “Rattle And Burn” by Jesse Cook


---------
...Bbbrrrrrr..... it's so cold!!!

Anniversary

Music: Playlist P3, now playing “I Promise I Will” by Wilson Hawk

Mood: er....  

In my glass: ...green tea  - it’s 11:30 a.m. ;)

Cold and grey morning.  Raining, too.  

I’m not so upset as I was... although still feeling stupid.  Well, right... silly me.  Again, there was no reason to be upset.  Really.

A kind of anniversary, it is, yes.  I’m going to have a glass (or two...) of red tonight.  

------------

Music now playing: “Fire & Fury (Fuego & Furia)” by Oscar Lopez... ah, it has just finished as I typed this.  Now playing “A Song For You” by Leon Russell.