The last phantom

Music: Play list No. 8 – it just plays automatically on my PC
Mood: mixed


One good news: Fox is recovering from cystitis. He had just survived the nasty surgery – his second canine and its root had to be pulled out – and a few days later he was peeing blood. It looked really scary! I had to go back to the vet’s and have some lab tests done… Now they found out that he had cystitis caused by bacteria. Fortunately! Yes, cos it could have been worse. OK, the total cost of the week was – the surgery, the consultation and tests – 660 euros.

Bad news: 1) the fax machine broke. You’d wonder: who’s using a fax machine nowadays? Well, I am (was). 2) one of the 2 telephone lines I have stopped working suddenly.

Things which are not working at this moment:
- fire alarms (batteries are dead)
- some of the clocks (ditto)
- doorbell
- kitchen fan
- some of the lights
- telephone line
- fax machine
- sewing machine
- Gaggia espresso machine (well, okay, I can live without it)
- (most probably) the car
- Adobe PageMaker (still working, but acting weird)
- washing machine (still working but the door doesn’t close properly)

… and what more? Oh, I thought there were more but maybe that’s it. Hahaha, okay, it’s not that bad, much better than I thought.

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It was a tough week… besides the problems with Fox, I wasn’t feeling very well either. Oh, and I fell yesterday in the shopping mall. I knew I had to walk carefully because the floor was very slippery. It was rather embarrassing. My left knee is still sore, I feel so miserable now.
Today I said to myself: relax, it’s okay you’re feeling like sh**. Just let it come and go.

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T and E came today to help moving the last and the strongest ghost of R. to the basement; the audio equipment. You know, it’s been 4 years and the house is still full of his stuff. Although I’m going to miss music in the living room, I’m glad not to have to see/have those enormous speakers and the other components. Cause now I can change the room to MY space.
OK, I have to admit that the difference between the high-end equipment and my ghetto blaster is quite clear…

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I WANT A NEW SEWING MACHINE!!! The one I want costs 1250 euros…. I want a digital SLR cam too… but it can wait cos my compact Canon is actually (more than) good enough for me. Hmmm, don’t think Santa hears me… he never does.

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Music: play list No.8 (yes, every day and night…)
Mood: on the edge

Been trying to write something sensible for a few days… or write something – anything that comes up in my mind. But, hm, it’s getting too much for my little grey cells up here, I just can’t concentrate myself on my own thoughts. I know, the problems and worries are to be solved just one for one… And most of the worries are for nothing actually… all I need to do is just calm down and, most of all, NOT to think too much.

ONE thing I know now is that…. I must NOT confuse attention with affection… I have learned my lessons about it by now.

Gosh, I really need a break, have to get out of here.. even for a weekend.. only for a moment…. Otherwise I’d explode…

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Sister Morphine
(Rolling Stones)

Here I lie in my hospital bed
Tell me, Sister Morphine, when are you coming round again?
Oh, I don’t think I could wait that long
Oh, you see that I’m not that strong

The scream of the ambulance is sounding in my ears
Tell me, Sister Morphine, how long have I been lying here?
What am I doing in this place?
Why does the doctor have no face?
Oh, I can’t crawl across the floor
Ah, can’t you see, Sister Morphine, I’m trying to score

Well, it just goes to show
Things are not what they seem
Please, Sister Morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams
Oh, can’t you see I’m fading fast?
And that this shot will be my last

Sweet cousin Cocaine, lay your cool, cool hand on my head
Ah, come on, Sister Morphine, you better make up my bed
’Cause you know and I know in the morning I’ll be dead
Yeah, and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the
Clean white sheets stained red.

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written by M. Jagger/K. Richards/M. Faithfull

Shot to death

Music: Various (play list No. 8)
Mood: tired

It’s something I read in the paper today. They shot a sparrow to death. One tiny, helpless sparrow. Well, ok, there’s a story behind this. It’s about a new world record of domino. The Dutch team has been building this domino course for weeks… it was almost finished.. and then, there came this sparrow. It accidentally (well, I think so) flew in the hall and touched one of the domino stones. Alright, I can imagine the despair and anger of the team… BUT.. it has happened already.. so, what’s the use of killing this poor thing? The bird had no idea what these stones were for.

Last week I saw a photo of a piglet in an agony. He is only 2 days old. His tail is cut and burnt off, his canines are pulled out, his balls are cut off…all without anesthesia or pain killers because it’s too expensive. We, the consumers, don’t want to pay for that.
While the pet industry is huge and people are ready to spend substantial amount of money for their (sorry, “our”) pets, this poor little piglet has to suffer so much pain… What’s the difference between our pets and these pigs, chickens and other cattle?

Um… but I have to confess… I’m so incoherent. I kill all those fruit flies that bothering me… Although I do know it’s my fault cos I once left orange waste in the kitchen.

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I turned 2 Osho-cards today just like yesterday and the day before… still can’t find an answer. I guess my question this time is too specific. Well, ok, the cards have no answers… they are in me, in my mind.

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River Of Pain
(Thunder)

I should’ve seen it coming now
Should’ve known it would happen this way
If I’d trusted my initial instincts
Then maybe you’d be here today

Cos the more that I gave
The more I could see a change
You only wanted my love
When you thought I might take it away, I’m afraid

Now I’m drowning in a river of pain
Slowly going down
All I did was love you too much
So now I’ll remain
Stranded here forever
Drowning in a river of pain

I don’t know when it happened now
Suddenly you’d taken control
One day I was pulling your strings girl
Then the next you had a grip on my soul

So I let myself go
Cos my heart wouldn’t be denied
There was distance in your eyes
And your touch turned fire to ice, no surprise

That I’m drowning in a river of pain
Here with my regrets
Going round and round in my head
But still I remain
Stranded here forever
Drowning in a river of pain

Somehow when you saw the other side of me
Then I lost my mystery

Now I’m drowning in a river of pain
Slowly going down
All I did was love you too much
So now I’ll remain
Drowning in a river of pain

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(written by L. Morley)

I WANT TO BE LOVED, WANTED AND NEEDED

Music: various… Thunder, OL, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tommy Shaw, Bruce Cockburn etc…
Mood: broken wings - am stuck, feel the urge to change

Been thinking and thinking and thinking… Yes, it’s weekend.
After all these thinking, I still don’t know… Oh, that’s not true.. because I do know alright… that I should stop like I did once. But knowing and doing – those are 2 different things again…

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Went to the movie: Exils.
We actually wanted to go to a concert. But when we were there we found out that it was sold out… SO we had to think a “plan B”. Finally we decided to go to see this film of Tony Gatlif. “A sensual and swinging road movie”, it is said about this film… Yes, of course, it’s Gatlif’s!! Ok, the story is sometimes hard to follow… but the music is just great!! With our after-movie talk, we – I – had a good eve out again.

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LOVE

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needed to be loved
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written by John Lennon

Almost Famous

Music: Various
Mood: nostalgic, sentimental, emotional… and what more?

I don’t watch TV very often… the last time, it was in April (when T. was here)… before that, it was sometime in March last year… (or the year before?... I just don’t remember)
Tonight, I turned on the TV and watched a film (I was actually going to finish my “kitchen project” =cleaning the kitchen… but… ok, who cares?).
I was reading the papers, while having dinner… then I saw “Almost famous” was going to be on TV tonight… “Hey, Heather was talking about the film…”
It was so nice to see the details like… the posters on the wall of William’s room. First you see a poster of the 3 astronauts of Apollo 11, then later that of Jimi Hendrix, the Who… It also made me grin to see what’s all happening on the backstage… Hmmmm… where did all my wonder years go?

I’ve been thinking a lot again this weekend… well, what I should do and want to do are 2 different things…. I guess… BUT – I should do what I want to do… no? That’s my conclusion for now. And it’s NOW that counts. And the question if I really want it, is for the next weekend…

Hmmm, but honestly, it was today one of those days (and nights) that I so wish I could get DRUNK. Although I know I shouldn’t because – well, I know, how I then would be feeling tomorrow morning…

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I went to Russia in August, 1980. On my way back home, the very last part of the Siberian Express (Eastbound), I awoke to this song: “Move Over”. It was 6 o’clock in the morning… they played this song very loud through the speaker system of the train. Phhhhhh.

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Move Over
(Janis Joplin)

You say that it's over baby, Lord,
You say that it's over now,
But still you hang around me, come on,
Won't you move over.

You know that I need a man, honey Lord,
You know that I need a man,
But when I ask you to you just tell me
That maybe you can.

Please dontcha do it to me babe, no!
Please dontcha do it to me baby,
Either take this love I offer
Or honey let me be.

I ain't quite a ready for walking, no no no no,
I ain't quite a ready for walking,
And whatcha gonna do with your life,
Life all just dangling ?

Oh yeah, make up your mind, honey,
You're playing with me, hey hey hey,
Make up your mind, darling,
You're playing with me, come on now!
Now either be my loving man,
I said-a let me honey, let me be, yeah!

You say that it's over, baby, no,
You say that it's over now,
But still you hang around me, come on
Won't you move over.

You know that I need a man, honey,
I told you so.
You know that I need a man,
But when I ask you to you just tell me
That maybe you can.

Hey! Please dontcha do it to me, babe, no!
Please dontcha do it to me baby,
Either take this love I offer,
Honey let me be.

I said won't you, won't you let me be ?
Honey, you're teasing me.
Yeah, you're playing with my heart, dear,
I believe you're toying with my affections, honey.

I can't take it no more baby,
And furthermore,
I don't intend to.
I'm just tired of hanging from the end of a string, honey,
You expect me to fight like a goddamned mule.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, honey...