Thinking

Music: various - at this moment:"Bad Reputation" from "Don't Tread"/Damn Yankees
Mood: mixed

Thinking too much again, while I know I should not be.

What should I do? What do I want? Where would I go? What? How? How long? What if? What if not? Is this good? Is that alright? Which one? What way? Would they? When? Where? What? Why? Why not? Should I? Is it? Yes? No? And then? What would they think? What does it mean? Is he doing alright? …..

I just can’t help asking and thinking… and it’s not good. The more I think, the more I worry. Gees, it’s still August… how should it be when the cold and dark winter comes??

-----------------------
I Am a Rock
(Simon & Garfunkel)

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

------------------------

Project

Music: …my compu is playing all the music I have ripped. At this very moment, “Batman’s theme”/original TV soundtrack (very swinging!)
Mood: sleepy

Next to my “1 Kym. a day” project on Flickr, I just started another project. Hmm, sounds like I’m some kind of “project freak”…. But to be honest, I need a project because otherwise I’m too lazy.
My new project is “to get things done” – It’s something like “1-a-week” or “1-a-fortnight”. A month is much too long for me, so long that I will just forget what I’m supposed to do :P

The details of the first “1-a-week” is to follow… I was going to write about it tonight but it’s already VERY late (or very early… it’s now 10 to 7 a.m.!!) and I need to go to sleep.
…Perhaps the next project is “to go to sleep on time”.

----------------------------------
Ventura Highway
(America)

Chewing on a piece of grass
Walking down the road
Tell me, how long you gonna stay here, Joe?
Some people say this town don’t look good in snow
You don’t care, I know

Ventura highway in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
You’re gonna go I know

‘Cause the free wind is blowin’ through your hair
And the days surround your daylight there
Seasons crying no despair
Alligator lizards in the air, in the air

Did di di di dit …

Wishin’ on a falling star
Waitin’ for the early train
Sorry boy, but I’ve been hit by purple rain
Aw, come on, Joe, you can always
Change your name
Thanks a lot, son, just the same

Ventura highway in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
You’re gonna go I know

‘Cause the free wind is blowin’ through your hair
And the days surround your daylight there
Seasons crying no despair
Alligator lizards in the air, in the air

Did di di di dit …

-----------------------------------
(written by Dewey Bunell)

Fruit & nut

Music: “Truth”/Jeff Beck, “Lovin’ Up A Storm”/Jimmy Page & John Paul Jones, “Solo Para Ti”/OL+LN, “The Way I Feel”/Remy Shand
Mood: restless

It was a tough day yesterday. I’ve been feeling a bit down for a few days, but, oh yesterday – it was so… deep down. I woke up with a thought: “oh no… I’m awake again…” And that’s how it went the rest of the day. I couldn’t get it right any more. I was feeling so bored – and actually very tense and nervous. Bored – so I thought I SHOULD DO SOMETHING!! But also so tense that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I could do was to throw that out on to my blog and Flickr page. When I finally did that, I got even more nervous (don’t know why); so nervous that I started shivering and feeling sick.

It’s not R. or T. or being alone that makes me feel down. It’s something R. said – I always come back to this point, and it hurts. The remarks he had about me: I’m not enterprising, I’m too accommodating, too passive. I just can’t shake this off of my head. I was the one who had to make decisions, who had to make choices, who had to make a move. I worked long hours and long days to support him so he could make music without any financial concern. And today, when I think about these remarks, I can’t but feel so empty and vain. I don’t feel like doing anything, ‘cause everything seems so meaningless. I’m not very much career orientated… so my work doesn’t mean much to me. I work only to be able to pay the bills. Well, ok, also to be able to do what I like…. Ha! That’s a positive thing… but when all the bills are paid, there isn’t much money left…

Every day it’s just a drag… Perhaps it’s time to make a phone call to my social worker… or I could try a shot of endorphin first. I bought for me a Cadbury fruit & nut bar today.. Let’s see if it helps….

a shot of endorphin



--------------------------------
At Seventeen
(Janis Ian)

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say – come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems at seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said – pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say – come on, dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen

Talk to me...

Music: Various, at this moment: “Riu Riu Chiu” (a CHRISTMAS TUNE!!) by Bruce Cockburn, “Mean Street” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Mood: BORED!!!!!!

…don’t know why… but I’m SO BORED tonight…

--------------------------------

Talk To Me
(Joni Mitchell)

There was a moon and a street lamp
I didn’t know I drank such a lot
’till I pissed a tequila-anaconda
The full length of the parking lot!
Oh, I talk too loose
Again I talk too open and free
I pay a high price for my open talking
Like you do for your silent mystery
Come and talk to me
Please talk to me
Talk to me, talk to me
Mr. mystery

We could talk about martha
We could talk about landscapes
I’m not above gossip
But I’ll sit on a secret where honor is at stake!
Or we could talk about power
About jesus and hitler and howard hughes
Or charlie chaplin’s movies
Or bergman’s nordic blues
Please just talk to me
Any old theme you choose
Just come and talk to me
Mr. mystery, talk to me

You could talk like a fool-I’d listen
You could talk like a sage
Anyway the best of my mind
All goes down on the strings and the page
That mind picks up all these pictures
It still gets my feet up to dance
Even though it’s covered with keyloids
From the slings and arrows of outrageous romance
I stole that from willy the shake!
You know--neither a borrower nor a lender be
Romeo, romeo talk to me!

Is your silence that golden?
Are you comfortable in it?
Is it the key to your freedom
Or is it the bars on your prison?
Are you gagged by your ribbons?
Are you really exclusive or just miserly?
You spend every sentence as if it was marked currency!
Come and spend some on me--
Shut me up and talk to me!
I’m always talking!
Chicken squawking!
Please talk to me

---------------------------

NOT because...

Music: “Truth” by Jeff Beck, “Blow by Blow” by Jeff Beck
Mood: nostalgic

…these are really GREAT albums… love them!
“Truth” – I love it NOT because it’s T.’s favourite but because I just love blues. “Blow by Blow”- I love it NOT because my “almost” boyfriend once (24 years ago!!) copied this LP for me on a cassette but because it’s a great album of a legendary, one of the best guitar players. Beck, Page and Clapton – oh, yes, they are the “guitar heroes” of my generation!

…Now have just ordered “Danger Money” of U.K @ Amazon…. It’s NOT because R. recorded “Rendezvous 6:02” for me from this album but because I really like this song.

I still remember when I saw Beck and Bozzio playing in Utrecht… Jeff cut his finger when he was playing 2nd number and was bleeding all the way through the concert. Urrrgghh… his white guitar got blood stain all over… And Terry Bozzio - he had a chain pierced from his ear to his nipple – what a super drummer he is! Only, I couldn’t help worrying his drum sticks would get stuck in the chain…

Ach… it’s so…. Nostalgic…. I miss talking about this kind of stuff with… hm.. who?

------------------

I’m Not In Love
(10CC)

I’m not in love
So don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because
I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I like to see you
But then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lying there
So don’t you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because…

Ooh you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh you’ll wait a long time
Ooh you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh you’ll wait a long time

I’m not in love
So don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love
I’m not in love

Three, two,.... three, two, one-and-a-half...

Music: at this very moment “Montana Walking” (from “Opium/Wide-eyed”) by OL+LN
Mood: mixed

We all have this moment of “3, 2, … hm… 3, 2, 1” every now and then, don’t we? “Should I click or not… yes, of course, I should and I will…” And then you have another moment of irresoluteness. I had this kind of countdown last night… again.


...I've been thinking, by the way,... there isn't anything "really wrong" with me..., no, don't think so... But still, I DO always something wrong... I think... :(


moment of irresoluteness