Fruit & nut

Music: “Truth”/Jeff Beck, “Lovin’ Up A Storm”/Jimmy Page & John Paul Jones, “Solo Para Ti”/OL+LN, “The Way I Feel”/Remy Shand
Mood: restless

It was a tough day yesterday. I’ve been feeling a bit down for a few days, but, oh yesterday – it was so… deep down. I woke up with a thought: “oh no… I’m awake again…” And that’s how it went the rest of the day. I couldn’t get it right any more. I was feeling so bored – and actually very tense and nervous. Bored – so I thought I SHOULD DO SOMETHING!! But also so tense that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I could do was to throw that out on to my blog and Flickr page. When I finally did that, I got even more nervous (don’t know why); so nervous that I started shivering and feeling sick.

It’s not R. or T. or being alone that makes me feel down. It’s something R. said – I always come back to this point, and it hurts. The remarks he had about me: I’m not enterprising, I’m too accommodating, too passive. I just can’t shake this off of my head. I was the one who had to make decisions, who had to make choices, who had to make a move. I worked long hours and long days to support him so he could make music without any financial concern. And today, when I think about these remarks, I can’t but feel so empty and vain. I don’t feel like doing anything, ‘cause everything seems so meaningless. I’m not very much career orientated… so my work doesn’t mean much to me. I work only to be able to pay the bills. Well, ok, also to be able to do what I like…. Ha! That’s a positive thing… but when all the bills are paid, there isn’t much money left…

Every day it’s just a drag… Perhaps it’s time to make a phone call to my social worker… or I could try a shot of endorphin first. I bought for me a Cadbury fruit & nut bar today.. Let’s see if it helps….

a shot of endorphin



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At Seventeen
(Janis Ian)

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say – come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems at seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said – pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say – come on, dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen