5000miles #2

Music: “Opium/wide-eyed” by Ottmar Liebert + Luna Negra
…”Opium” was my first OL experience.
Mood: anxious, nervous, grateful, delighted, longing, chaotic…

And…What if this buffer zone – a safety distance of 5000miles - suddenly disappeared…? Even for a short while…? What if we were standing in front of each other - face to face?

Alright - he’s now, at this very moment, on his way to this side of the pond. I’m going to meet him at the airport in a couple of hours. Oh my, oh my… could I ever even dream this would happen? I’m so, so, so anxious and nervous. I couldn’t sleep at all, I look terrible... Maybe he finds me too ugly, stupid, boring and annoying… I’m a hopeless house keeper – I had 26 days to clean and tidy up the house but it’s still so messy + filthy. NOW I REALLY HATE MYSELF.
…Oh my, oh my, oh my…. What to do, what to do, what to do??????

5000miles #1

Music: “Christmas” by Bruce Cockburn
Fave tracks: “Riu, Riu, Chiu”, "Iesus Ahatonnia (The Huron Carol)"
Mood: chaotic (so chaotic as having “Christmas” now)

A huge distance - that’s what lies between us. A distance of some 5000miles (sounds more optimistic than 8000km) and 9 hour (now 10 because of the summertime here) time difference. We have never met each other in person; the only contact we have is through emailing. Regardless, virtual or not - we found each other. It’s hard for some people to imagine, I guess. But it’s not impossible. If you know for sure this is what you want (I do), if you believe in it (I do), if you trust each other (we do), if you work on it (we do), you can overcome all the problems just as in any other relationship. This is too beautiful and precious to let it fade away because of the distance… right?

How-so-ever frustrating and distressing it could be, I always thought this distance could also be a kind of “safety zone” or “buffer zone” for me. It’s there to keep this long distance love partly in my dream world, to keep me from expecting too much. It’s no use to be in doubt or worried… ‘cause there’s nothing I could do from this side of the world. Considering this obstacle, I’m so glad and grateful with what I’ve already have. And – hope not, but - IF this romance should come to an unhappy end… I could blame it on the distance… But no…, please don’t …

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Longer

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you.

Stronger than any mountain cathedral
Truer than any tree ever grew
Deeper than any forest primeval
I am in love with you.

I’ll bring fires in the winters
You’ll send showers in the springs
We’ll fly through the falls and summers
With love on our wings.

Through the years as the fire starts to mellow
Burning lines in the book of our lives
Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow
I’ll be in love with you.

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you
I am in love with you…

(by Dan Fogelberg)

...So what?

Music: “The Door” by Keb’ Mo’
Mood: impatient

Received an email from someone (I call him now “Mr. X”) who was reading my blog. He had some remarks on my posts – if I make a very short summary of the remarks, it will be: “OK, you are happy and lucky. Fine…but SO WHAT?” Well, I’d like to add that his writing was in a much nicer and friendlier way, of course.

I’m so happy… So what? Why am I writing only a half of the story, not playing open cards? I’m not disclosing myself… that’s the remark of this Mr. X, I think. OK… well, I did mention why I was feeling happy and lucky, but not the details like: who this person is (I’m talking about T.), how I met him, where he is… Because…uh, it’s private, in the first place.

Since my writing about the game “Knowing You Knowing Me”, I decided to make my blog more personal. Not only “I did this, I did that” kind of things, but more of what I think about myself, how I feel + what I want at that moment. I write the pages knowing that other people might be reading them, too - it helps a lot for my “self-awareness”. So, that I was feeling so happy and lucky, and why it was so, were the essence of the posts.
Besides, it’s not only me. Here’s another person involved. As I said earlier, it’s private. But, ok, I admit… if it was only me, oh, how I wish I could tell the whole world, to you, and you, and you, what this was all about. ‘Cause I just can’t hide it when I’m happy and feeling good. So happy I am now…. Even happier than when I was with Ronald (ah, finally, one name revealed!). I mean, I was happy then, but I have never been this happy with MYSELF, being ME. And, yes, of course, it has very much to do with T. as well. So, if it was only me, I’d write down his name 100 times with capital letters here on this page… Gosh, I SO love him!! But I’m not sure if he’d like to be that “public”.
Anyway, I sometimes write things which are addressed to him, like those lyrics in my recent posts. I think he knows that, and I’m sure Adam or Borya, for instance, would never think that those words are meant for them. It’s clear ‘cause there’s no T in their names, see?

Oh, and another thing – I’m not making up this T., you know, he DOES exist… I can assure you that alright.

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The Door

I was down for so long
Everything I did was wrong
And I found fault
In everyone but me

I was hurt and alone
I could not find my way home
Broke-down and hungry
And too tired to moan

Then I heard somebody callin’ my name
Sayin’ ain’t no need to be shamed
I found out that the
Door was always open

I was trapped in my mind
A prisoner of my own design
Lost in a world
A world of confusion

I was there by myself
Couldn’t find no help no where else
Thought I’d call up the hotline
But there was nobody there

Then I heard somebody callin’ my name
Sayin’ ain’t no need to be shamed
I found out that the
Door is always open

(written by K. Moore/L. Ware)

Early bird - Day 8

Music: “Voz D’Amor” by Cesaria Evora, “Piano” by Dieuwertje Brecht
Mood: “Our Evenings (Janácek)” from “Piano”

It’s radical! I’ve been an early bird since Sunday last week. I get up at before 6 (or even at 5!) in the morning…. That is the time I used to go to bed at! Boy, how is it possible?? Hmm, I’ve been a night owl for such a long time (since I was a low-teenager, I think), it’s still so difficult to change the rhythm. I get up much earlier, but I can’t go to bed on time. That’s what I still have to learn…. Yes, LEARN TO SLEEP. Yesterday I heard that there was such a clinic where they train you to sleep. Perhaps I should try that too, if I really can’t.
Fox was a little confused at first, but now he seems to like it to take a walk earlier in the morning. Ah! That was it, he’s an early dog! That’s why he was never very willing to walk later in the daytime.

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I Will Be Your Witness

I woke up this morning
Wishing you were here
Another cup of coffee
And then you appeared

A crystal vision
Shining through the rain
Smiling through my window pane
(….)

I will be your witness
That much I can do
I just want to tell the world
How much I’m missing you

I will be your witness
Don’t you know it’s true
I just want to testify
How much I’m loving you

Did you ever notice
Just what you mean to me
You’re the piece of the puzzle
That makes my world complete
(….)

Woke up this morning
Wishing you were here
Poured a cup of coffee
And then you appeared

Such a great adventure
I won’t let it slip away
You know I need you every night and every day

I will be your witness
That much I can do
I just want to tell the world
How much I’m missing you

I will be your witness
Don’t you know it’s true
I just want to testify
How much I’m loving you

(from “I Will Be Your Witness” written by Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades,
album: “Brave New World” by Styx)

“…. Because you deserve it”

Music: the chattering black birds outside
Mood: flying

AvdB, a good friend of mine, said to me:
“He must be very special… No matter what or how, as long as he’s good and sweet to you... 'Cause you deserve it”.

:) :) :)
I really liked what he said, it made me feel GOOD. Yes, I deserve it, I guess so.

It’s a lovely day today; the Sun, fluffy white clouds, blue sky, fresh air, singing birds, young greens everywhere… This beautiful moment of my life – I deserve it, too. Maybe I deserve everything I have today. Yet I’m very, very thankful that I have what I have. …Again, I’m so lucky.

Oh, AvdB, you’re right. He’s very special and so, so good and sweet to me… Dank je!

To the weekend

Music: “Virtuoso #3” by Joe Pass, “Santa Feast/Christmas in June (CD 3): Obscure Corner”
Mood: bluesy turning to rosy

It’s very, very grey today… raining all day long, windy too. On this sad day, I’m trying to be positive. Well, okay, I’m the luckiest girl in the world, aren’t I…so, that’s a positive thought. PLUS, it’s weekend!!! For this weekend I decided to do only those things I want to do. Means, everything I do this weekend, I do it because I want to. I’m going to do the dishes because I want to, hoover the living room, wash the window, and finish my Christmas Project (of the last year!!) because I want to, NOT because I have to. What a happy girl I am!

Now that I know I’m a happiest and luckiest girl in the world, I don’t want to waste my happiness and luck. It is rather an unknown phenomenon to me that I feel this way. I’d like to learn to get along with it, enjoy, and make most of it.

The spring is just around the corner. Though it’s still cold and rainy today, the Sun will shine on the very last day of March.

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I Need You

Ain’t no need to worry
Ain’t no use to cry
‘Cause I’ll be comin’ home soon
To keep you satisfied
You know I get so lonely
That I feel I can’t go on
And it feels so good inside, baby
Just to call you on the telephone
I said….

Oh baby, I love you
What more can I say
Oh baby, I need you
I miss you more everyday

I woke up early this morning
And sun came shining down
And it found me wishin’ and hopin’
Mama, you could be around
Well, you know that I need you
More than the air that I breathe
And I guess I’m just trying to tell you woman
Oh, what you mean to me

I try to tell you I love you
In each and every way
I’m trying to tell you I need you
Much more than a piece of leg

Oh baby, I love you
What more can I say
Oh baby I need your sweet lovin’
I miss you more every day

(written by Ronnie Van Zant – Gary Rossington)

Luckiest girl

Music: “Borrasca” by Ottmar Liebert + Luna Negra, “Keb’ Mo’” by Keb’ Mo’, “Caliente” by Willie & Lobo
Mood: anxious AND thankful

I’m singing, dancing, smiling, crying, jumping, grinning, worrying, wishing, laughing, mumbling, thanking, again singing…
I’m such a lucky girl. I was so lucky to see that kitty there on that very night. …Well, I should have known… I was born on a Sunday. Once I’ve been shattered and hopeless. But most probably it was meant to happen so that I could find the way to “myself” who I am now, so that I could find my way to you.
I’m the luckiest girl in the whole world.

100 Words

I have to tell the world that I'm dreaming of you
I have to tell the world that I love you...
Love you...

(from "100 Words" by Solution)

Kym. 4 T.