Geeeeeeeeee.......

Music: Playilist P2, right now playing “Crush” (from “Before These Crowded Streets”) by Dave Matthews Band
Mood: Uplifting (after another “down” time) 
In my glass: Cabernet Sauvignon/Syrah/Tempranillo

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….Uhm…. gee… It has been such a long while… I’ll come  back here soon.  I'm so sorry, my (so neglected) blog. :( 

Oh, hello 2016...

Music: “70’s Dance Party” (“Gees, you must be kidding, Kym!” “Um… nope. I quite like it”)

Mood: Joyful

In my glass: bubbly :)

Happy New Year!! 

Some thoughts in the first hours of 2016.

===========

2015 was to me personally a year of….

Confusion, frustration and discovery.  About myself and what is happening around/to me.

Confusion, frustration, fear, setbacks, disappointment… 

BUT… I had lots of joy and fun, too.  Met many people, made new friends.  Learned a lot (especially about myself). 

It was, after all, a good year for sure.     

And 2016…. 

I have no idea. Hopefully it’s going to be a year of change.  

“Impermanence”… or “This too will pass”.  Good or bad, things change.  But of course, “change for a better” hopefully.

Um… but still, I have no idea, no expectations.  

I take one step at a time.  

===========

Words for the New Year.

Smile.

Live.

Love.

Enjoy.

Acknowledge.

Give.

Accept.

Embrace.

Be.

Walk.

Peace.

Kindness. 

Communication.

Forward.

Fresh.

Relax.

Excellent. 

What?

Whatever.

Jump.

Hm.

Bend.

New.

Ach.

Gratitude.

Anxiety (yup, that too).

Explore.

Fun.

Erm… 

Dare.

Kitty.

……..

(and more)

===========

Things go wrong sometimes. 
That’s the nature.  Don’t be disappointed.  Make most of it. 

It’s OK to be imperfect.  That’s the nature. The imperfection also is an important piece of the puzzle.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision or wrong choice.
It only might (or might not, who knows) lead to a different outcome.  You make a decision/choice and you go for it and work on it.

It’s totally alright to feel *%#^&&$%@±!!!!!!!!!!!!* now and then.
Don’t deny or resist it but feel it, welcome it, embrace it, understand it.  It means you are alive.  Give a big hug to it. 

===========

Hm….. all that said… Hm… yeah…   …enough pep talk to myself….

Cheers!!!

===========

Enjoy the journey.  Yes, I will. :)

Detox your thoughts!

Music: Playlist “Top rated”, right now “Junkman” by Grayson Capps
Mood: blue
In my mug: hot chocolate :)

Erm….. gees…. “Happy New Year” was my last post?????????

Hm, never mind. I’m here now and that counts ;)

******
I’ve been a little down, feeling kinda blue (oh, hey, “Kind of Blue”? Would make a good album title. Haha! ;)  ) these days.  But!  It’s only fair because there had been ups as wel.  I guess now it’s the time to pace myself.
Oh yeah, I had such a wonderful summer for sure!   

*****
Just started working on my new photo project.  
It often makes me feel low and even depressed when I look at my photos; I see how NOT artistic they are, how NOT dramatic or unusual or… all that kinds.  They are so “everyday’.  So “extraordinarily” ordinary.  
But then I thought: “Hey, why not making it my theme?”  Ha! 
So, yes, the “straight forward documentation”, that’s my style ;)  (…Hum, I think I have mentioned it here before… but anyway.)
I’m going to make a set of portraits, nothing fancy, nothing special.  But I want to make it “personal”. “Everyday” but personal. 

*****
“Hm, so, why the blues, Kymdot?  
There’s no reason for that. 
It’s all in your head.
Detox your thoughts!”

Happy New Year!!

Music: Playlist P2, right now: “Cry Me One Tear” by Grayson Capps

Mood: anxious

In my glass: nothing. But, yay, bubbles in 2 hours ;)

…Another 2 hours… then it’s 2015.  

I’m at home, on my own, to “meet n greet” the New Year.  I’ve been ill (ugh, a nasty cold!) since last week :(  Today I’m feeling a lot better than yesterday but not well enough to go out.  Otherwise I’d have gone to a party which I had been invited to.  Ach, okay… next year then.  Another “rain check”.  Gee, I have saved so many rain checks now :s

Okay, anyway…

If I look on the bright side… 

1) It’s not the flu.  I didn’t have a fever and it was only for a few days so I don’t think it was.  It must be only a cold… a nasty cold.  (Although I was feeling ugh so terrible nonetheless.)

2) And, as soon as I felt it “coming my way”, I did go and get enough groceries for at least a week.  I still have plenty of food in stock :)

3) I’ve got a small bottle of bubbles in the fridge :)  It was a Roy’s salon’s give-away and it’s not Champagne but it’s festive, yay!!

4) I slept.. and slept… and slept.  I really needed this long sleep.  

========

Making a to-do list in the New Year.  Oh yes, there are so many again… maybe too many.  I think I’d better keep the list short.  It’s better to keep it doable, right?  Right.

To date with myself must definitely be on the list.  Haha, and who knows, I might fall in love with myself ;)

Seriously… no joke.  It’s on my “want-to-do” list.  

There are, of course, many “have-to-dos”, too.  :s  But hey, that’s life. Just check them one by one.      

========

Hmmm…. what else..?

Yikes, I’m so ssssssssllllllllow… I’ve been trying to write this for 1 hour and a half now.  Hm…. well, I’m thinking and it takes time and energy ;)

So, I still have half an hour.  I can do some yoga, yay!  A short set, yes.  That’s I’m going to do now. :)

-========

Okay, 5 more minutes!  :)

I have my glass ready, yay!

……..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  

=============

In my glass: sparkling wine

Tune now playing: “Lovin’ You” by Van Zant

=============

…oops…. it’s already 02:21!!  

Song now playing: “Pretty Little Lie” by Blackberry Smoke

On this quiet Christmas day...

Music: various (right now Rascal Flatts’ album “Me And My Gang”)

Mood: calm

In my glass: just finished my daily coffee

Oh my gosh, time does fly!  

It’s been another year on the rollercoaster with bends, ups and downs.  

Er… ups?  Hm, I don’t remember any.  But, oh, downs, yes, so many!  :(

Uh-uh, wait there!  No ups?  Really? That’s not true, think again! 

A. said last night: 

“That’s only what you think.  Maybe you don’t feel that way but you have done a lot to make changes for the better.  Try to look at your life more objectively.”

She’s right.  I tend to focus on the negativity.  On things that go wrong, that don’t work out, something I do wrong or I’m not good at.  I then forget all those other things that go well, that turn out to be alright, things I can manage.  I keep forgetting that there are good times and there are nice things - lots of nice things in life.  

Yup, that will be my mantra for coming days :)

In fact, I’ve been seriously tackling my anxiety/phobias and the “sombreness” (er… okay, let’s face it, “depression”) - since Autumn last year.  When I look back at then - yes, I do see a big progress.  :)

With therapies & courses and my lovely friends’ help, I’ve come really far!!  

January-March

I took part in a Mindfulness course.  Mindfulness helps me to cope with anxiety, to see/take things as they are.

April

I started practising yoga at home.  Thank you very much, YouTube!  ;)  My most favourite channel is "YogaWithAdriene”.  I do watch other channels, too, but YWA is the one that motivates me the most and makes me feel “yay!”.  I also did 2 “challenges” with her vids.  Since then, I practise yoga everyday (!) - usually twice.  Ha! 

I meditate since April, too.  Well, I’m not sure if I should call it “meditation” - what I do is to sit still for a short while (15 minutes or so), breathing “mindfully”.  Sometimes only counting my breaths.  Other times I repeat a mantra in my head.  It’s not very easy to get myself to concentrate on my breath or mantra.  …Hm… I need more practice ;)

September

New “Portraiture study group”.  Hm…. I don’t know… Now, almost 3 months later, I don’t have any good photo yet.  :’(

Next year, …which begins next week already!

I want to (try to) find “my place”.  This tiny apartment is not truly “my place”.  I don’t mind if it’s small but I want it to be “my place” - I don’t mean to “own” a house or a flat.  I want to feel at home - with my own things around me.  My own furniture.  My photos on the wall.  

But most of all, I want to find my home in myself - in my heart.  

Be more “mindful” to notice “nice-things-in-life”.  

----------------------

Alrighty… it’s yogatime now :)

I’m late - as always - but better late than never, right?

I wish everybody love, hope, peace and all the “nice” things in life - like hugs and smiles :))  

Happy Holidays!

==============

Music now playing: “Come Saturday Morning” by Rumer

Mood: uplifting :)

In my cup: herbal tea “Bright Mood”

(It's been hours since I started to write this entry.  That's why this update ;) )

Random mumbles

Music: “Music” - iTunes is playing ALL the music I have on the comp randomly. …Oh, wow!  Now playing: “Already Stoned”/Popa Chubby

Mood: chaotic, “dazed & confused”

In my glass: Verdejo

Is it another new “me”?  Hm… I have to figure that out. 

———————

It’s a sad, sad story.

———————

It’s a happy story… well, sort of.  …It depends.

———————

I’m going to buy me a bunch of flowers tomorrow. :)  Yeah, it’s been such a long time.

———————

I made that choice.  And it is fine.  It is alright.  …Well, is it really?

———————

Um…  It’s hard.

============

Music now playing: “Untie the Knot”/Bad Company

Finding my way....

Music: Abraxas/Santana, now playing “Hope You’re Feeling Better”
Mood: calm
In my glass: Cabernet Sauvignon

Random notes:

----------

Oohh… after one whole loooooooong “alcohol free” month, this Chilean red tastes GOOD!  :)  (I’m going to write about it later). 

----------
Been doing daily meditation & yoga for 6 weeks now.  I’m bouncing back from the “major” setback/relapse.  

----------
Today.  The last day of my photography course this year.  Very inspiring to see - look at, analyse and appreciate - all those beautiful photos taken by my classmates.  Hhmmmmm… I really must work harder :(   …Yes, I think I’m going to take this course again next season. 

----------
I am - breathing.
I am - smiling.
I am - thankful.
I am - grateful.
I am - blessed.
I am - joyful.
I am - fine.
I am - well.
I am…. finding my way back to myself. 

----------
He…. er... ...  *sigh* ...  oh well, never mind.  
It’s all good.
:)

----------
Music now playing: “Aretha”/Rumer (from “Seasons of My Soul)

Change

Music: Playlist "Top rated", now playing "How Do You Know" by Wilson Hawk
Mood: Fine
In my glass (mug): Hot chocolate :)

Change happens.
In fact, it is happening. 
It is only a small and slow change and it has just begun - but it is now happening. 
At least, that's how it feels. 

---------
Music now playing: "Brave" by Sara Bareilles

Random notes

Music: Houston’s Best (Thanks, Luz!), now playing “Under the Milky Way” by Sia

Mood: *bleh*

In my glass: Bordeaux

...So, random notes...

-----------

How stupid could I be? 

SO, SO, SO, SO VERY, VERY, VERY AND VERY incredibly stupid.  I am.

-----------

Dreaming is nice.  But it would be even nicer if it were real.  

Erm... well, to be honest, I’m not sure about that.  

Reality hurts... and that’s not nice at all.

-----------

I could have joined the college-group and flown to Rome.  Would have.

-----------

“The best thing to do may be to stay calm. This allows you to have energy at your disposal for the moment when you may need to take action once again.”

......Right...

-----------

I’m sort of tired of having to wonder or guess what is and what is not happening. 

Of being afraid, too.

-----------

Perhaps I should kiss more frogs.  But then, I’d have first to find them.  Where could they be?

-----------

Actually, dreaming can hurt, too.  Badly.

-----------

“Be careful.”

I am.

-----------

Something is wrong.  Just wrong.  

-----------
Er... no, no frogs for now.. or anyway, for a while. 

-----------

“Time to wake up.”

It is, I guess.

-----------

But first, it’s time to go to sleep. Ha!

------------------------

Music now playing: “Sierra Del Agua (Rondeña) a Jesús, Brígida y mis padres” by Vicente Amigo

UGH!!!

Music: SRV, now playing “Rude Mood”

Mood: “Duh!”

In my glass: Warsteiner

I lied. 

I said it was alright but it was not.  And it is not.  It’s not alright and I do mind.  

I’m so... tired of acting cool, acting as if it’s okay, as if I’d not mind.  But how can I..., how should I let you know that? Ugh!

I want to scream and cry.  Wish I could tell the world, yell for you... wish I could. 

But instead, all I can do is to wait (for what?) - it feels like I’m dying inside.  

-------------

One step ahead.  But it’s still such a long way to go.  ...To where?

-------------

My other computer is finally out of the box.  I found some old photos in there :) 

I think I like working on portraits. I hope I can do some sessions soon.  

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Music now playing: “Tin Pan Alley (aka Roughest Place In Town)”