“GONNA BE THERE, YES I WILL” (with or without)

Music: Playlist P3, now playing "Blue Jean Blues"/ZZ Top

Mood: low, blue, down etc.

In my glass: (Argentine) Sauvignon Blanc

Been back "home" for almost 3 weeks now... Well, “home”... but not really.  Again, it feels like I’m nowhere, like I don’t exist.  

I don’t feel good, I’m not doing well.  Feeling down and blue.  Whatever and how-hard-ever I try to beat my blues away, I just can’t get going.

Hm... well, I think it’s only natural; I do have “legit” reasons to be so.  All those recent events & happenings, setbacks, moving, business going slow, (having to get ready to say good-bye to) Mom, love not responding (or not even “walking in”)...  And the BigD has not been really settled yet. DUH!!!!!!!  Just to mention “a few”.

...I'm lost  :'(


A friend (A.) keeps telling me that it’s not me. That I’m fine and alright.  She says it’s not me but it’s the situation I’m in - that I’m too much alone.  I live alone and I work from home - again, alone.  Yeah, home is “where there’s nobody but me”.  I don’t see or talk to anyone (anyway, not enough).  

Well, these past 3 weeks, I’ve been very “social”, a lot more than I usually am.  Like, meeting up & going out with friends.  ...But, I must say... I know it’s not that... er... well.. 

I’ve been “alone” for too long.  It cannot change in three weeks.  

This time (10 days being with Mom), I thought a lot about my childhood.  I think I got an answer to the Q - why and how I have been building these walls around myself.  

Ah, I see... These walls and fears and phobias... and my habits... have been build and piled up in the course of my whole life. They can’t be bashed down in three weeks, no.

But here... one thing I know now... that I’m blessed with wonderful people around me.  Lovely friends.  They are there for me with open arms.  They are ready to help me, trying to pull me out of my small room.  So, now, it’s all up to me.  I’m still afraid to ask, to accept, to reach out.  But no, I don’t want to stay here, left all alone.  

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It often happens that I want to call somebody to invite/ask out but I don’t because think: “Hm.. (s)he must be busy” or some other reason.  

I will just call next time.  

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I’m not giving up my plans to “leap”.  Uhm.... ya, right... I said it was “with or without”.  And now it looks like it is going to be “without”.  Well, okay then, let it be “without”.  

“Gonna be there, yes, I will...!”

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Music now playing: “Why Don’t You Write Me”/Simon & Garfunkel

Blue

Music: Playlist “Top rated”, now playing “Don’t Tease Me” by ZZ Top

Mood: ...on the edge

In my glass: nothing (Just finished California Cabernet Sauvignon)

Mom says: "...is it me or...you’re looking pretty today... ???”

I say: “must be the blue eye-shadow matching with my shirt today”.

Mom says: “oh ya?”

I say: “yep.  It was pink yesterday.”

Mom says: “...oh...”

LOL!

Music now playing: “Hi Fi Mama” by ZZ Top

Blue

...I really can't follow what is happening with the font and font size every time... Whatever I try, I can't get it right... Grrrrrr...

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Music: “Just Won’t Burn”/Susan Tedeschi, right now “Rock Me Right”

Mood: neutral

In my glass: Sauvignon Blanc

...Oh boy... he’s desperate, I can tell. Well, I can listen, I’m a good listener. I can’t give any advice but I can be there to listen. And this time I’d say... “Boy, you are a blues man and you are now living it. Be happy with that!!” Hm... well, I know, it would not help.

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Last week... ... er... it was, I think, Saturday morning, yes.

I let Fox out and there comes the paperboy - the evening paper; he brings the paper just before noon on Saturdays. He likes Fox, by the way. When he saw Fox for the first time (a couple of months ago), he said he didn’t know “what kind of creature” Fox was. “Er... a mix of dog and horse??” ... :LOL!!

But anyway, this paperboy, well, a guy... maybe in his early 30s... can be somewhere in 20s..., he says: “Next time I’ll take a picture of you sleeping on the sofa. You look so sweet like a baby”. Huh??? Ya, right, I often have a nap in the afternoon and he can see that when he delivers the paper. Obviously he’s not Dutch. His Dutch sounds kind of charming ;) - er... so does mine, I hope - .

And he goes on: “What’s your name?”, “Do you live here alone?”....

Well, I give him only vague answers.. he looks alright, honest and friendly.. (quite nice and.. even cute!! haha) but-er.. you never know... Then he says, “ah, good, good. Are you *sociable and cozy* with your boyfriend? Good, good!” He meant *happy* with *sociable and cozy* in his charming Dutch, I think, and I say, “Yes, thank you.”.

Since then, I haven’t had a nap on the sofa yet ;)

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Yay! It’s Wednesday night/Thursday morning and I’m not working!!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm... KISS! I mean, I do have many things to do but I have decided to have a week off. Which means I have one week delay now on my schedule.. but ach... Please.

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Watched a few vids of Leon Russell (with those eyes that can kill..) on YouTube. Oh.. Me wants the latest album!! That with Elton John sounds awesome!! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... can you think of any sexier man than Mr. Russell??? Any sexier eyes than his?????

(Er... well,... ahem, ... I can, actually... I know a pair of eyes that can kill... with 100.000 volts... *OOOOOPS... HELP!!!!!!! )

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Er...”Blue”... Oh.. I don’t know why... perhaps because of the “blues”.

F. is now living his blues... and I’m living my own blues... Everybody has got his/her own blues sometimes (in some cases, too often...).

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H. posted a quote of Woody Allen on FB. Something about “suffering”. To love is to suffer, not to love is also to suffer.. to be happy is to suffer, too. ..Something like that. And I say.. "It seems we suffer anyway. Then just love and enjoy suffering." ...I sure am "enjoying" that right now, yes. Thank you.

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Music now playing: “Song For You” by Leon Russell (aaaaahhh.......)