“GONNA BE THERE, YES I WILL” (with or without)

Music: Playlist P3, now playing "Blue Jean Blues"/ZZ Top

Mood: low, blue, down etc.

In my glass: (Argentine) Sauvignon Blanc

Been back "home" for almost 3 weeks now... Well, “home”... but not really.  Again, it feels like I’m nowhere, like I don’t exist.  

I don’t feel good, I’m not doing well.  Feeling down and blue.  Whatever and how-hard-ever I try to beat my blues away, I just can’t get going.

Hm... well, I think it’s only natural; I do have “legit” reasons to be so.  All those recent events & happenings, setbacks, moving, business going slow, (having to get ready to say good-bye to) Mom, love not responding (or not even “walking in”)...  And the BigD has not been really settled yet. DUH!!!!!!!  Just to mention “a few”.

...I'm lost  :'(


A friend (A.) keeps telling me that it’s not me. That I’m fine and alright.  She says it’s not me but it’s the situation I’m in - that I’m too much alone.  I live alone and I work from home - again, alone.  Yeah, home is “where there’s nobody but me”.  I don’t see or talk to anyone (anyway, not enough).  

Well, these past 3 weeks, I’ve been very “social”, a lot more than I usually am.  Like, meeting up & going out with friends.  ...But, I must say... I know it’s not that... er... well.. 

I’ve been “alone” for too long.  It cannot change in three weeks.  

This time (10 days being with Mom), I thought a lot about my childhood.  I think I got an answer to the Q - why and how I have been building these walls around myself.  

Ah, I see... These walls and fears and phobias... and my habits... have been build and piled up in the course of my whole life. They can’t be bashed down in three weeks, no.

But here... one thing I know now... that I’m blessed with wonderful people around me.  Lovely friends.  They are there for me with open arms.  They are ready to help me, trying to pull me out of my small room.  So, now, it’s all up to me.  I’m still afraid to ask, to accept, to reach out.  But no, I don’t want to stay here, left all alone.  

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It often happens that I want to call somebody to invite/ask out but I don’t because think: “Hm.. (s)he must be busy” or some other reason.  

I will just call next time.  

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I’m not giving up my plans to “leap”.  Uhm.... ya, right... I said it was “with or without”.  And now it looks like it is going to be “without”.  Well, okay then, let it be “without”.  

“Gonna be there, yes, I will...!”

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Music now playing: “Why Don’t You Write Me”/Simon & Garfunkel