Because it’s me

Music: … various.. mostly Blues and, naturally, Thunder (right now “Love the One You’re With”/Cosa Nostra)
Mood: confused, blue, melancholic, sentimental, lonely, vain, longing, yearning, hopeless, helpless… even destructive
In my glass: Coteaux du Languedoc

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…I’m so incoherent tonight – confused a bit.
It’s one of those nights that I wish I could drink the whole bottle (or even 3 bottles) to get REALLY drunk and “gone”.
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For the first time in my life, I’m feeling so lonely because my “imaginary boyfriend” is not here with me. Hahahaah! An imaginary boyfriend is supposed to be very sweet and kind to me and we – he and me – are supposed to be having only fun and lovely moments together. He would always be there for me, wouldn’t lie, wouldn’t hurt me.

But this time.. ooh, it’s wrong, so, so, so very wrong. It’s becoming so serious that I can’t deal with it. It’s too much to handle.

The problem is… I really want him. Rrrrrraahhggg… sob-sob-sob.

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I know somebody who truly believed Zappa was his father. Hm… I’m now not too far from his state of mind. Arrrrgh.

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I wish he… “he”, this imaginary Prince of mine, loved me because it was me. Me just as who I am. Not because I can do this and that and all or how I am. Just because it’s me – no matter what I can or can’t, no matter how I am or am not.

…and above all, I wish it was all in reality. But I know too well that it would not be happening.

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I read the book “White Oleander” a few years ago. It was quite fascinating to see/follow how this little girl (don’t remember her name… Astrid?) was changing as she grew up. I do remember how loudly I yelled “YES!!” about this CSN&Y song – yes, I too find it one of the most stupid songs!

If I love somebody it’s because it’s him/her and not because (s)he’s there. “Love the one you love”, I’d say. To me, it doesn’t matter how far and unreachable he is.

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(Well, the song is alright, especially the Cosa Nostra version is nice and rocking! What I don’t like is the idea).

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Love the One You’re With
(Cosa Nostra)

If you’re down and confused
And you can’t remember who you’re talking to
Concentration slips away
Because your baby is so far away

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey, love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
Don’t sit there crying over good times you had
Cause there’s a girl sittin’ next to you
And she’s just waiting for something to do

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey, love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with

Turn your heartache right into joy
She’s a girl, and you’re a boy
Get it together, make it nice
You won’t be needing anymore than that

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey, love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with

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written by Stephen Stills