Choice
Music: “Edge of Forever” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, “Vicious Cycle” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Mood: “Heaven or Hell” from “Vicious Cycle”, “Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes” by The Korgis
Went to see a film yesterday: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. (Ah, that’s why, the “mood” above!) . It took me a while to understand the plot. But once I could follow what and how, I was absorbed in the story. The following question I’m asking to myself is because of this film.
I’ve been living alone (with the Gang) for 3 years now. We, my ex and I, broke up just before Christmas 2001. I was then totally lost and devastated, my whole world collapsed. Now I’m almost recovered from this breaking-up itself, but not from myself. Or I should say I haven’t got myself back yet. I was so devoted that I was, I think, 99.9% depending on “us”—no, no, actually on him. My life, happiness, joy + sorrow – everything was based on this relationship, being with him. When he was gone, so was my world with myself in it. I’ve spent nearly a half of my life with him. It’s not very easy to change the way after such a long time. Sometimes I wish that I had never met him, that I had never had this all. So, here’s my Q to myself. If I had the choice that I could have all my memories of him and us erased, would I do it? Would I choose to get rid of the memories of a half of my life? Well, probably I wouldn’t. But, honestly, I’m not 100% sure. I’m not that much recovered yet, I guess. One thing I’m sure about, btw, is: I have only one ex in my life, and that is more than enough.
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Sim, Von zou volgens mij na deze film heel anders gaan denken over Jim Carrey ;-)
After-movie talk
Mood: “Heaven or Hell” from “Vicious Cycle”, “Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes” by The Korgis
Went to see a film yesterday: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. (Ah, that’s why, the “mood” above!) . It took me a while to understand the plot. But once I could follow what and how, I was absorbed in the story. The following question I’m asking to myself is because of this film.
I’ve been living alone (with the Gang) for 3 years now. We, my ex and I, broke up just before Christmas 2001. I was then totally lost and devastated, my whole world collapsed. Now I’m almost recovered from this breaking-up itself, but not from myself. Or I should say I haven’t got myself back yet. I was so devoted that I was, I think, 99.9% depending on “us”—no, no, actually on him. My life, happiness, joy + sorrow – everything was based on this relationship, being with him. When he was gone, so was my world with myself in it. I’ve spent nearly a half of my life with him. It’s not very easy to change the way after such a long time. Sometimes I wish that I had never met him, that I had never had this all. So, here’s my Q to myself. If I had the choice that I could have all my memories of him and us erased, would I do it? Would I choose to get rid of the memories of a half of my life? Well, probably I wouldn’t. But, honestly, I’m not 100% sure. I’m not that much recovered yet, I guess. One thing I’m sure about, btw, is: I have only one ex in my life, and that is more than enough.
----------
Sim, Von zou volgens mij na deze film heel anders gaan denken over Jim Carrey ;-)
After-movie talk
posted by Kym. @ 1/21/2005 11:45:00 PM
10 Comments:
At January 22, 2005 at 12:41:00 AM GMT+1,
Luz said…
Heavy duty question that requires some heavy duty thinking for the answer or answers. I can relate a bit to what you're going through although I only known my friend for three years. I ask myself that question all the time. We've said goodbye several dozen times but still end up not going where we need to go. I'm always asking myself "am that weak" and I'd like to think I'm not but maybe I"m fooling myself. So my answer for now is if you can't be with the want you want then love the one you're with. Sometimes, I wish I had never met him. We're two ships that cross eachother on occasion and that's about it. There'll never be a future for us and while I know that why do I still get excited when he calls. Anyway, I think I digressed a bit. Sorry.
At January 22, 2005 at 2:58:00 AM GMT+1,
Kym. said…
Thanks, Luz.
Here are a few of possible choices:
1)
Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
Don’t sit there crying over good times you had
(...)
There’s a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey, love the one you’re with
Love the one you’re with...
Or…
2).
If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody, baby
If I can’t have you...”
(http://users.cis.net/sammy/canthave.htm --> this is fun!!)
Or...I like this one better!
3)
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
You think I'd crumble
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive”
At January 22, 2005 at 4:40:00 AM GMT+1,
Kym. said…
ガンバルンバ～
Thanks, Yumiko-san!
Kym.
At January 22, 2005 at 5:56:00 AM GMT+1,
Borya said…
What makes your example difficult is that a rather long time has passed together with him. From the relationships I had that took some years but had by far not that intensity as your marriage I can say that I always would have been glad if my memories were erased right after the breakup. But after a while, especially after having met new people, after having created new perspectives I consider them as being a worthful part of my life. That doesn't change that when I'm closing my eyes and go back in memory and imagination it still hurts. And it doesn't change either that I'm kind of getting excited the very first moment I receive a message although I'm glad that I got rid of them (two women is what I'm talking about).
At January 23, 2005 at 7:46:00 AM GMT+1,
Adam Solomon said…
Have you ever read Bernhard Schlink's "The Reader"? (Boris, maybe you did? I know it was big in Germany, where it was originally published)....I had to read it for school, didn't much like it, but it raised a good question, a similar one to what you're asking. Think, you have all of these great memories together, and just because the relationship ended, and ended badly, should all of those happy memories be spoiled just because they ended? You still remember them, you still remember being happy, so why let the bad ending overshadow all of those good memories?
At January 23, 2005 at 6:20:00 PM GMT+1,
Kym. said…
Thanks, folks.
Adam, no, I haven’t read that book. But I understand what you mean. You know, that is one of my points too. We had a great time together. All my memories are happy ones actually, I can’t remember any unhappy moments. I mean, I must have had some sad and bad moments, but if I think back now, even a very few sad moments I must have had, they are good memories after all. But the thing is that those “good” memories hurt! Some day they won’t anymore, I’m sure. But at the moment of breaking up, good or bad – it doesn’t matter – both memories just hurt. And there is more. The memories make it difficult for you to go further with your life. So, at the very moment of breaking up, it would be easier if you could erase all the memories. But I agree with you, about not letting the bad ending overshadow all the happy moments. Why can’t we put them in a trash (like in PC) for a while to get them back later??
Borya, what makes my case so hard (well, everyone thinks that his/her case the hardest, I guess) is not only the length of the time but also, I think, how it ended. It was like: we were writing a story together. One day he didn’t like the plot anymore and decided to start a new book on his own, without letting me know, without finishing our book. Only when I asked why he was not writing, he said: “Sorry, I’m not working on it anymore. I have now my own book.” I don’t know how Nicci and French write theirs, but in my case I would rather have ended it together so each of us then could go his/my own way.
But, you see, I’m doing alright. No, I would not like those memories to be disappear.
By the way, I have another Q – something to do with a book (for children! :-P) which I’m almost through with: “Appelsinpiken”(written by J. Gaarder, author of “Sophie’s World”). This Q is not about memories but about “future”. Okay, not for now, but later maybe.
Anyway, thanks everyone!
xxx
Kym.
At January 23, 2005 at 6:47:00 PM GMT+1,
Borya said…
Nicci and French? I overread this maybe ...
I have to say that I don't think that MY case was the worst or the hardest. It was far from being so, simply normal. Not very nice, not pleasing at all, but what the heck! But it was "just" relationships, no marriage, whatever. What puzzled me the most was how even a normal, everyday split like mine could beat me around so much, emotionally. It was and is always a learning lesson for me, one to be consequent and to learn about where your need for setting priorities and drawing consequences is.
But I can share one emotion slightly with you: when you think you're still writing the same book and one day it's you discovering that your partner is working on another book for a long time already. Well, "long" in my case. I didn't like that at all.
Bernhard Schlink: yes, I know the book. And even more: Schlink is a law professor, expert in constitutional law. A must read when you study that stuff. And not pleasing at all.
At January 23, 2005 at 7:26:00 PM GMT+1,
Kym. said…
Yumiko,
Beautifully said :-D!!
Well, yes indeed, I am feeling better (and better). Thank you!
Kym.
At January 28, 2005 at 11:26:00 PM GMT+1,
Victor said…
I wish it was as simple as just getting some perspective! You know, like if you could just say to yourself this is what happened to me and this is why, I understand it now, all better!
Well, your more recent post about "Diamonds and Stones" prompted to me to put on John Denver. Just as I was thinking what to say next "Sweet Surrender" came on - I love that song...
Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin' for something that I can believe in
Lookin' for something that I'd like to do with my life
There's nothin' behind me and nothin' that ties me to
Something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more than enough
To just be here today, and I don't know
What the future is holdin' in store
I don't know where I'm goin' I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin', I don't need to see the end
Sweet, sweet surrender, live, live without care
Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air
At January 29, 2005 at 2:03:00 AM GMT+1,
Kym. said…
Victor,
I don't know this song, but I like the lyrics. This is also from John Denver, right? I'm going to check music stores in down town next week. Thanks!
Kym.
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